Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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