Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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