please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
