I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
