Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
