Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
