The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
