i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I will pee on everything he values.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
