I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
