i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
