Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
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