Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
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