That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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