she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
worst night to have a conscience
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
