guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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