I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
