Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
