I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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