I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
