also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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