his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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