i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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