i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
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