Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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