I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
