i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
