Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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