Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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