You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
