jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
