Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
