he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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