Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
