FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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