I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
And then he peed in my hair
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