My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
