Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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