i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
