I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
