I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
