her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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