Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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