I am puke
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
