I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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