you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
