I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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