My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize