i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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