I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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