Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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