1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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