i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize