did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
