My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
