I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
