just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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