oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
