a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
