She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize