All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
