What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
