and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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