The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
