kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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