i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
